Forums

Go Back   Forums > General Chat > General

General Bullshit about anything here

Attention Visitor:

You have to register before you can post and reply to threads: click the register link above to join for free. To start viewing messages, select the forum that you want to visit from the selection below.

Reply

 

Thread Tools Search this Thread Display Modes
Old 03-11-2010, 10:06 PM   #1
Cham
Nova Officer
 
Cham's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Columbus, Ohio
Posts: 1,677

Send a message via AIM to Cham
Why they should make a 4th Twilight

http://chud.com/articles/articles/21...VIE/Page1.html

Quote:
With New Moon likely to make yet another metric fuckload of money this weekend we need to find the bright side to the entire Twilight mania. There must be something good that comes from this awful Mormon fantasy that seems to have invaded our culture on every front. That something is the eventual movie version of Breaking Dawn.

Even though New Moon has made a bazillion dollars and even though the third Twilight book, Eclipse, is already filming, Summit has declined to announce the fourth and final Twilight book as a movie. There's a good reason for this: Breaking Dawn is completely fucking insane, and it is probably totally unfilmable. But if they do film it... man, we are in for a treat.

Breaking Dawn opens with Bella Swan, the lacteal heroine of the series, finally getting married to Edward Cullen, the mopey vampire hero. They go off to honeymoon on Isle Esme, a Brazilian island the Cullen clan owns (this is already ridiculous beyond belief. Imagine a vampire going snorkeling; it basically happens in this book), and Edward is afraid to fuck his new bride. The reason: he's super strong and she's just a human - Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex type of situation here. But Bella wears him down and Edward throws it in her - and knocks her the fuck out, leaving her badly bruised.

Let's go over that again: Edward fucks Bella into unconsciousness. This alone should have you running to Fandango to pre-order your tickets, but it only gets better.

Despite being knocked out cold by his sexual style (and having the headboard destroyed), Bella goes back to Edward for seconds. This time he knocks her up. Yes, an undead vampire apparently has enough viable sperm to impregnate a human woman while fucking her off the coast of Rio de Janero. Stephenie Meyer, you fabulous idiot!

The baby in Bella's belly starts growing incredibly fast. And it starts hurting Bella, as each kick it gives has the super strength of a vampire behind it. As it grows, Bella gets sicker, and then the good stuff starts. The baby kicks so hard it breaks Bella's ribs and then severs her spine. Are you imagining Kristen Stewart wearing a fake pregnancy belly and pretending to have been suddenly crippled by her own fetus? Because I am and it's making me laugh and laugh and laugh.

Oh wait, I missed something. Edward is completely freaked out about the baby, fearing it will kill Bella. He tries to convince her to get an abortion (but seriously, how could she? Vampires are tough to kill even in this shitty series), and goes so far as asking Native American wolfboy Jacob to impregnate his wife so that she can have the baby she desperately wants. I'm dizzy with how ridiculous this is, and we're just getting started.

Eventually the baby starts to get born and Bella is dying. The baby has telepathy, by the way, so everybody can read its thoughts while it's in the womb, and it turns out to have an essentially adult mind. Like Alia in Dune; I would accuse Stephenie Meyer of ripping this off, but anyone who thinks that Meyer might have read Frank Herbert has never been within spitting distance of Twilight. The woman is a moron.

In a moment that demands to be shown on the silver screen, Edward gives Bella an emergency C-section with his fucking teeth. It's like something out of XTro, for the love of God. It's so horrible it's brilliant, and this scene alone is why I remain firm in declaring that David Cronenberg must direct Breaking Dawn. This is surely his movie.

Once the baby is out, Bella gets vamped by Edward, as she's about to die at any moment. Then comes the most astonishing turn of events in 21st century literature, and possibly in the entire history of awful fiction aimed at tweens: Jacob the werewolf, who has been madly in love with Bella, sees the new baby girl and immediately imprints on her. What this means, in layman's terms, is that he falls in love with the baby.

I want to pull this out on its own: Jacob falls in love with a baby.

The book makes no bones about this; while Jacob doesn't want to fuck the baby right off the bat, he can't stand to be away from it and visits everyday. His love has been transferred from Bella to the baby (who has the tongue shattering name Renesmee), and because of the science behind imprinting he'll love her forever. So one day he's going to stick his wolf dick in this girl that he see as a bloody newborn. Romance is not dead, it's just being abused by insane Mormon writers.

There's more in Breaking Dawn - the Volturi come back, for one thing - but these are the main amazing events that demand this book to be turned into a film. I will not rest until I have seen a movie in which a werewolf falls in love with a baby. Hell, once I've seen a werewolf fall in love with a baby I may quit movie watching - I will have seen the ultimate culmination of a century of cinema. The entire film of Breaking Dawn would play like the weirdest exploitation film since Doris Wishman died - brutal sex, bizarre body horror, unbelievable pedophilia.

A werewolf falling in love with a baby. This is why Thomas Edison invented this shit in the first place. So we could see a werewolf fall in love with a baby.
I'd probably pay to see that clusterfuck.
__________________
Over
Powered
In
My
Opinion
Cham is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-11-2010, 11:02 PM   #2
Maridia
Nova Member
 
Maridia's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 138

Re: Why they should make a 4th Twilight

^
Maridia is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-15-2010, 02:42 AM   #3
xira
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Oregon
Posts: 9

Re: Why they should make a 4th Twilight

i want the next twilight movie to be an intro to a blade film

xira is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-15-2010, 03:18 PM   #4
Jamis
Nova Elite
 
Jamis's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Chicago
Posts: 376

Re: Why they should make a 4th Twilight

I would LOVE to see Blade ruin the Twilight fags. Vampires don't fucking sparkle.
Jamis is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-15-2010, 05:07 PM   #5
Cham
Nova Officer
 
Cham's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Columbus, Ohio
Posts: 1,677

Send a message via AIM to Cham
Re: Why they should make a 4th Twilight

He would, but Blade is currently doing time for tax evasion.
__________________
Over
Powered
In
My
Opinion
Cham is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-16-2010, 11:31 AM   #6
Naelyan
Nova Veteran
 
Naelyan's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: The Great White North
Posts: 327

Send a message via AIM to Naelyan Send a message via MSN to Naelyan
Re: Why they should make a 4th Twilight

Being on a Twilight set would surely count as community service, no?
Naelyan is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-17-2010, 04:37 AM   #7
Maldivia
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Posts: 28

Re: Why they should make a 4th Twilight

Quote:
Originally Posted by Naelyan View Post
Being on a Twilight set would surely count as community service, no?
Garbage disposal ?
Maldivia is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Tags
4th, make, twighlight, twilight


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)

 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off


Similar Threads

Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
How To: Make Torrents with uTorrent Cham Tech Stuff 0 02-21-2010 03:02 AM
Tribes to make a return? Cham Other Games 1 01-03-2010 09:10 AM
How to make Steam Overlay work in Aion stylus Aion 3 09-30-2009 05:58 AM
What would make WOW even better Satake World of WarCraft 1 05-11-2009 01:47 AM
So, I tried to make some House music Phatal General 4 04-05-2009 10:20 AM


All times are GMT -5. The time now is 03:52 PM.


Site optimized for Mozilla Firefox 3.5
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2010, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
©2003 - 2009 Nova, All Rights Reserved
no new posts